Realistic Self-Care
The start of a new school year brings about a lot of change for many families. I don’t need to list all of the potential changes to your family’s schedule…I’m sure you’re quite aware! A couple months in, you have hopefully gotten into a good groove despite all of the newness. The start of fall is a great time to also take a look at your family’s schedule and see where your OWN needs fit into it. Wild idea, right?! Although we hear that “self-care” is so important, it’s often one of the hardest things to keep top of mind, let alone find time for. So, let’s break it down a bit.
Why do we care about self-care for parents? Well, if you haven’t noticed, many parents are chronically burnt out, overstimulated, or feel as if they have been living in “survival mode” for years. If you’re a lucky one who hasn’t found yourself feeling this way, you likely still have plenty of stress that you carry. Parents are stressed! There’s recent data showing that as a group, parents are more stressed and overwhelmed compared to non-parents in the United States, to the point of not feeling like they can properly function throughout the day.
Life is much more enjoyable for everyone in the family when the person driving the ship is enjoying themselves too. We deserve to take time for ourselves so that we can show up as the present, loving parent we strive to be. It is all too easy to become short-tempered, preoccupied, and disconnected from our family when we are running on empty. Our kids rely on us as parents to maintain that stable, grounded foundation as they go through their own ups and downs (this is called “co-regulation” for those who want to geek out on clinical terms). However, I am not here to try to convince you to take some time for yourself. If you need a little help on this front, I highly recommend Dr. Becky Kennedy’s book Good Inside, particularly the self-care chapter, or Mommy Burnout by Sheryl Ziegler.
What I do want to talk about is the “what” and the “how.” Once you’ve made the decision that you are worth it and that your brain and body do in fact need some care in order to keep yourself well-regulated, it can be so hard to know where to start. We are told to take deep breaths, eat healthy foods (what does that even mean?!), exercise an hour a day, and get 8 hours of sleep each night. For most of us, it feels like a recipe for personal failure. What’s helpful to remember is that self-care doesn’t have to be about huge lifestyle overhauls or a full day at the spa (although that sounds lovely). Self-care happens when you integrate small, intentional habits into your daily routine (before you hit a wall). Self-care isn’t about asking for permission to do something for yourself, it is identifying what your needs are and meeting them, just like you do for everyone else in your family.
So, what are your needs? Many of us have been taught to be compliant and cooperative and go-with-the-flow and really do not know what our bodies and brains need. This can be one of the trickiest parts! To help get you started, here’s a little exercise:
Rank the following from most impactful on how you feel to least impactful on how you feel (not what you think you “should” be doing, but how you’d truthfully respond):
“I feel the most replenished when I regularly…”
Move my body via formal or informal exercise
Eat nourishing foods
Sleep 7-8 hours a night
Spend time genuinely connecting with other adults
Pursue a hobby or interest that is just for me
Other: ___________
I know I know, don’t all of these things sound great!? It may be hard to put them in order. For some of you, these may also feel so foreign that it is hard to imagine what you’d feel like if you got to do them on a regular basis (or just once, ever). Showing up with curiosity about how you uniquely respond to these different areas can help guide your focus when making lifestyle changes.
Once you have a single category in mind, start investigating what qualities are most impactful to you. Take movement for example. Think about what characteristics of physical movement have the most impact on you. Do you prefer to exercise outdoors? With a view of the water? Using heavy weights? High intensity versus low intensity? What about adding a social component, like walking with a friend or taking a class? Start honing in on the stipulations that are motivating, engaging, and actually make you feel better (not whatever the new fad workout routine is).
In regards to eating and nutrition, are you feeding yourself when you’re hungry, or are you snacking on the kids’ leftovers only when you’re utterly famished? Simply prioritizing sitting and feeding yourself satisfying meals may be a great place to start. If eating fresh foods is something that makes you feel like your best self but you find yourself regularly resorting to the drive through, are you able to reserve space once a week for meal planning and grocery shopping? Do you need to simplify your at-home cooking so that it feels more achievable? Will a meal subscription service help you prioritize using fresh ingredients while taking on some of that mental load around cooking? Does getting more protein make a difference in your energy? Or is your focus on fresh produce? Maybe you don’t really notice a difference when you change your eating habits and thus this area isn’t of huge importance to you!
Once you have recognized a self-care area to prioritize, and one or two qualifiers, next it’s time to identify that small actionable step that you think can make a difference in your day-to-day life. We want this to be something achievable. Set the bar low to help ensure success. Habit change is hard work, and many of us don’t sustain new routines because we are trying for a complete overhaul. Maybe your new self-care habit is sitting to eat twice a day. Or spending five minutes reading for pleasure before bed. Or just sitting outside and listening to the birds (and gardeners) for ten minutes in the sunshine. Once you integrate this small, achievable habit into your routine, you can build on it. We all have to start somewhere.
It can be helpful to actually schedule your new habit on your calendar. You will be more likely to follow through with an item written down than one floating around in your head. Also, this way, you won’t fill that time with another after-school activity, errand, or playdate. So often, if we have space available on the schedule (or if we find ourselves with a small bit of free time), it gets filled with things that aren’t genuine priorities. Share with your partner, co-parent, or other support system that this time is valuable to you and has become a priority in the family schedule (notice it’s not just the “kids’ schedule” now?). Here’s another helpful tool for adding in a new routine:
Be specific with the action (remember those qualifiers)
Stack it with something else is that regularly occurring (“I drop my kids off and walk around the nearby park”)
Create a reminder (set an alarm, post a sticky note, or leave your shoes in your driver’s seat…whatever works!)
Once a new habit becomes part of your routine and you realize that you can in fact take this time to meet your own needs, come back to your list and see what else can be added to it. Start building on your small habit (maybe sitting down to eat turns into also drinking a full glass of water with a meal). I also challenge you to notice how your patience, energy, and general mood are impacted when you’re able to start meeting your own needs. Recognizing this relationship can be a powerful motivator to keeping your needs on the list of top priorities. Remember, self-care isn’t about asking for permission to do something for yourself, it is identifying what your needs are and meeting them, just like you do for everyone else in your family. Because you’re worth it.
Image: Anthony Tran via Unsplash