Moving Beyond the Mom-tyr
We’ve all seen countless reels bemoaning how the expectations of today’s mothers have gotten out of hand. The amount expected of us isn't realistic! We can’t be gourmet chefs, organic gardeners, nutritionists, child psychologists, developmental experts, play-based activity planners, chauffeurs, spotless house cleaners, and professional home organizers every single day while still being forever patient, redirecting our kids without saying “no,” appropriately expressing our own feelings, validating our child’s every experience, and maintaining our sanity. The expectations are out of this world! The “mom-tyr” epidemic is real and is being discussed over and over again on social media and beyond (I’m referring to the idea of the mom-martyr, for those who didn’t catch my drift). I’m sure there are still some moms who need it pointed out to them. For the rest of us, since we’re all in agreement that the perceived societal expectations are unachievable, let’s start actually doing something about them.
Here comes the hard part. We have been trained to believe that all of these responsibilities are necessary and only we can do them. Where do we even start? First of all, we need to look inward and figure out our own values and needs, rather than adopting the ideals of others. Here are some questions to get you started:
What values are most important to your family?
What are the perceived societal expectations that you’re holding onto? Whose voice do you hear in your head telling you that you “should” be doing things their way? (Your mother? Your friend? Your neighbor? An influencer?) Are these expectations in line with your own personal values?
How does your family best operate? Do these societal expectations support your family or add undue stress?
What do you truly need? What do your kids need? Your partner or co-parent?
You can take these questions and apply them across so many aspects of family life:
How you feed your family
How you clean and organize your home
What kinds of activities your kids are involved in
How busy your family schedule is
How you spend family free time
How you split responsibilities amongst household members
How you choose to manage your money
How you take care of yourself
How you prioritize your other relationships (friends, extended family, coworkers)
When we can create realistic expectations for ourselves and our families that align with our personal values, amazing things can happen. We can feel successful in our roles. We can meet our own needs, like finding time for a regular shower, a coffee date with a friend or a moment of quiet to ourselves. The resentment between family members can dissipate. We can actually have the internal space and energy to do all those parenting things we want to do. We may even feel like more than “mom”—you know, like a real, whole person with different facets to our being.
Moving beyond the “mom-tyr” all starts with getting to know yourself. What are the things you need in order to operate at full capacity? What are the things you can let go of that are not serving you? How can you balance your own needs along with the other needs in the family? These are not easy questions! Many of us have been raised to be quiet, to not complain or cause a fuss, and/or that our discomfort doesn’t matter unless it requires stitches or a cast. We have squashed our feelings and set aside our own needs for so long that tuning into our bodies may be quite uncomfortable or confusing at first. That’s okay. It’s a process.
It helps to start with one life category, rather than tackling them all simultaneously. Is there a particular area you feel is pulling you towards it? A real pain point in your day-to-day life?
Maybe it’s your physical environment: Start with countertop clutter, toy management, or your shoe storage situation. Are you constantly feeling overwhelmed by the stuff in your home? Are you fine with the level of tidiness/mess but worry what others will think? Try to pinpoint exactly what areas feel comfortable to you or, alternatively, which areas add stress. You don’t need to reorganize your entire home if the only problem is the 47 pairs of shoes at the entryway.
Maybe it’s feeding yourself: Do you sit and eat when your kids eat? Do you consider your own nourishment when you’re taking care of everyone else’s? Are you snacking all day because you haven’t allowed yourself 10 minutes to eat a full meal? Are you racing from task to task and simply forget to feed yourself? Determine what times of day your body needs to eat and have a few easy but nourishing foods on hand. Schedule time in for your lunch and honor that schedule. A little intention can go a long way.
Maybe it’s your schedule: Are there any empty spaces in your calendar? You can schedule some in, or give yourself permission to bow out of an activity you didn’t want to attend in the first place. If you think your kids are overscheduled, take a look at what extra activities can be dropped. Do the things that you want to do make it onto the schedule? Maintaining space on the calendar for your own interests, hobbies, and social time is a great way to regularly feel rejuvenated. It’s also a way to model to your kids what healthy work-life balance looks like.
As you begin re-examining the way you do life, and start taking ownership so it works for you and your family, I encourage you to do so unapologetically. In case you need permission, here it is: You don’t need to apologize for meeting your personal needs. You don’t need to apologize for not attending the 27th classmate’s birthday party this school year because you needed a day that was unscheduled to just be. You don’t need to apologize for taking one dinner a month to meet up with a friend rather than eat with your kids. You don’t need to apologize (or profusely thank) your partner for supervising the kids for 10 minutes a day so you can shower. Showing your appreciation for those who are stepping in is always valuable, as is encouraging your partner to take time for themselves (if they aren’t already). When we start putting our own needs (including social relationships, hobbies, and interests) in line with the needs of our family, it shows others that we value ourselves just as we value them. We care for ourselves just as we care for them. We are worthy, just as we see them as worthy.
As I mentioned, this is a process. Feel free to recruit a friend to go through it with you. Keep each other accountable. Ask each other “What was one thing you did for yourself today?” or “What was one thing you let go of today, without guilt?”. Make a commitment to fulfill a shared need, like going on a regular walk, meeting for coffee or a meal, doing a hobby together once a week. This process gets easier when we start recognizing those around us who are in tune with their own needs and manage their life in a way to make sure their needs are met. Your needs matter, and you are the one who has the power to make sure your needs are met. Because you are worth it.
Image: Sam Jotham Sutharson via Unsplash